My Supersize Summer – 4. More Reasons to Hate Summer

This has nothing to do with my weight but I’m complaining about summer and I’m still a fatty fat fat so whatever, it still works.

Summer. When will it end? I am craving Christmas magic and cosiness. Half the year has passed now and we are finally closer to next Christmas than last Christmas so that’s something to be cheerful about I suppose. But until then? Sports. Flies. More sports. Why are there so many goddamn sports tournaments in the summer? Why? Why is it that when we finally get rid of football, there’s a bloody tennis tournament and then golf and whatever other crap people play? I do not care for sports. It’s on 24/7. Any need? Why does it have to be on every channel?

And then the flies. I don’t even bother chasing them out anymore because I’m lazy and also I just know that a few minutes after I get rid of one fly then another one will arrive and I would end up spending 90% of my life chasing goddamn flies away. So I just live with them now. I remember one year, during a particularly emotional phase in my life, I became friends with a moth who took residence in my room. At the time, I was in a relationship which was nearing its ugly end and the moth was better company than that asshat. I probably felt more sad when the moth died than when the relationship ended. I wish I could say I was exaggerating but that would be a lie.

Today there was a bumblyfly in my room and it was so annoying but I just let him do his thing because I figured it would be easier to just wait 24 hours for him to die than try to get rid of him myself. He’s gone now.

I’ve had moths and flies crawling along my walls for weeks now. Not in a horrifying swarm or anything – there’s just always one or two resident flies in my room. Each morning I will wake up and see one of them going for a stroll up the wardrobe. It’s fine I suppose. They’re just doing them. The only ones I really cannot stand are mosquitos. Mosquitos can fuck right off. One night, when I was a teenager, I couldn’t get to sleep the night before school started after the summer, because there was this low humming noise. I thought some inconsiderate twit was doing DIY in the street so I opened the window but the noise did not get any louder. I tried to convince myself I was just hearing things but every now and then the buzz would get the slightest bit louder and it turned out there were 3 mosquitos in my room. I Refused to go back to sleep until they were all dead. I got them in the end!

By the end of that week, I’d killed 10 mosquitos. I felt like a vampire slayer, only a lot less badass. I was Lozzy the Mozzy Slayer. It was very empowering. Until I noticed all the squished mosquito corpses on the walls and realised my mother would murder me.

There’s still a squished dead mosquito on my wall from last year actually! I should probably get round to wiping it off. It’s probably mummified by now.

I’m at such a loose end today. How does one Sunday? I am just so bored. I’ve spent most of the day looking for presents online because it’s my birthday next week. I also had to order a new phone case. For my new phone. What has happened to me? I used to be so good with phones and then in the past 8 months I’ve written off one phone, lost the next phone, got that phone back and then that one broke too. I never used to be this unlucky with phones. I mean, this phone is repairable but apparently they’re just going to send me a new one. And by new I think they actually mean a refurbished one. I’m nervous about getting someone’s old refurbished phone though because phones are all gross and there’s all those reports of them having all sorts of gross bacteria on them so to have someone else’s bacteria phone creeps me out and I just hope they anti-bac it before they send it to me. It’s water-resistant so they have no excuse! Also phones are never the same once they’ve broken and been repaired, like it just leads to a whole load of other faults. I don’t know. Technology makes me nervous. I won’t be able to upgrade my phone until 2018 so I’m gonna need this phone to be excellent quality or I will spend the remainder of my phone contract period crying.

But yeah, I’ve ordered a new phone case. And screen protectors. NOT tempered glass! Those bastard screen protectors proved to be a whopping disappointment. But my new case is cool because it has a little hole where you can attach a clip so I’m gonna put my phone on a lanyard and wear it so it doesn’t end up falling again. Kind of like when I was a baby and my parents had to safety-pin my dummies to my clothes.

I keep sighing like a cat. You know that sigh they do when they’ve been washing themselves and then they stop and sigh dramatically as if they’ve had a bad week at work? Even though they do shit all all day? Well I’ve been sighing like that. And been doing shit all all day. Also seeing the word “all” repeated twice like that is making me die a little inside. Words.

I’m off now anyway because I’ve run out of things to complain about. Sigh. See you soon.

Lozzy Signature


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